Explanation

I never blog anymore because other than the mundane day to day stuff 90% of the time I'm thinking about 1 of two things:

1) The loss of my grams this year-- and it would just end up being the same blog over and over again about it's been incredibly hard losing her and trying to go on without her in my life seems like a next to impossible task.

2) The one thing only 5 people in my life know about-- If you wanna know you can ask me-- but it's not something I'm ready to share with the blogerverse and the twitterverse and the facebookererse (I think i just made up 2 out of 3 of those) :)

This year I've spent a lot of time re-prioritizing things and I just don't have the energy or mental capacity right now to spend on everything I used to. I've realized I'm so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing and inspirational people and I thank God everyday for those people and am trying to be more intentional in my life.

xox

My daily reminder

I read this in my devos tonite. My pastor spoke on it a few weeks ago and I put "Read Romans 8" in my iphone to do list, but just now got around to it. This passage completely speaks of what I feel quite often. I LOVE the part that talks about how no one can condemn us if we are in Christ Jesus. I've done some things I'm not proud of, and every once in a while they are brought to my attention again, but this just reminds me that nothing can separate me from Him and no one has the right to remind me of those dark days. I'm so grateful for the life I have today, for the person I've become today. Even though I wish I could change things sometimes, I know all those lessons made me the person I am.... and that's pretty awesome. I have a good... no a great life. Every single person that is in my life right now is there because I love them and want them there, and I know they love me.

xox

If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”[n]) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. 38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[o] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

falling apart...

I've been feeling really unsettled lately. I'm not entirely sure why. I've been feeling really disconnected and like I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I've had a lot happen this year... and a lot is continuing to happen in my life that is taking up a lot of my time and energy. I think part of me needs a vacation.... a real vacation. Everytime I take some time off I fill the days to the brim with seeing people and doing things and going places. I think I need a few days... a week... to do nothing... leave the iphone at home... sit at a campfire... read a book... forget what time it is... and just be... I've forgotten what it's like to just 'be'... To truly take a good amount of time to refresh and rebuild my spirit.... and not just an hour here or there. The thought makes me tingle with excitement of what could be!...

Confession time: I've been skipping out on church for about a month now. I wonder if that has anything to do with it... I just don't FEEL like going... I know it's not about feeling like going... do it anyway right... but when sunday comes, I just can't bring myself to care enough. When I go I feel on edge, like I don't want to be there, and when I stay at home I feel guilty. I wish I knew why...

The devils attack...

As most of you know I've been given 60 days to move out of my place because my new landlord wants to move into my apartment. This has been a source of stress for me.
I know the devil has no hold on my mind or my heart, but he sure is trying to shake me lately. I can physically feel it!!! I've been getting headaches every single day for almost a month now, couldn't explain it. I don't get headaches... ever... I went to the dr and it's actually migraines, I just don't feel as MUCH pain as some people do, instead I get blurry vision and dizziness, and still some pain, it's just not crippling pain, oh and the noise!!! I can't stand barely any noise!...
I'm convinced the devil is giving me migraines because I'm growing closer to God everyday... and seeking him more everyday and he's trying to stop me from doing it. He's trying to make me blame God for this, and keep me from leaning on God more and more through everything I'm dealing with right now.
I have some pretty big decisions to make right now, about what city to live in, what type of place to live in, and most importantly the cost of the place (that's a HUGE one)... and I keep worrying and worrying about them. I have NO place to worry. God has always provided for me tenfold. This has been proven time and time again... and again... and again in my life. I can't even wrap my mind around how many blessings he's provided for me when I thought there was no hope... his plan is better than mine!!! I'm trying to believe that in this situation... I'm trying to speak it into my life, because i know it's TRUE... and I KNOW he'll provide, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and even if he doesn't I have options. But I'm still shaken, rattled, and worried. I'm not hopeless... but just worried about what to do. It's a completely irrational thought and I laugh at myself when I catch myself worrying about it.
I think I need to just cover myself in prayer and reading the promises God has for us right now. Praying his promises into my life, that he will provide for those that serve him, and praying against the evil forces that are trying to bring me down, doubt myself, doubt my abilities to stand on my own 2 feet. God is my provider, my strength, and my stronghold when I am weak. He WILL provide for me... better than I can imagine, and in his perfect timing.... I need to remember that... and be patient.... oh patience... the elusive trait I have yet to find in myself.... maybe this whole ordeal will teach me some. No matter the outcome I know he's in control.
x

Waiting on perfection...

This past year has been pretty crappy. There are things that have happened to me this year that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A friend told me a couple months ago that I have the worst luck of anyone she's ever met. I kind of laughed it off at the time, but I keep thinking about it. I don't really agree with it, but it does seem like something is always going wrong in my life. But I don't really notice that much. In general I tend to be more of a 'glass half empty' person. I always have been. But something happened a year ago last week. I totalled my car. Okay so what right? Lots of people do that everyday. Except that when I got out instead of looking at all the damage I went, I'm okay. I knew my car was going to be written off, and I had no clue how I was going to afford a new one. THIS one wasn't even paid off yet, but I was okay. I probably shouldn't have been okay. You see, I'm also the kind of person who kind of forgets to wear their seatbelt. And by forget I mean can't be bothered. A couple months before my accident I got pulled over by a cop for not wearing my seatbelt. At the time I was furious that this idiot gave me a $200 ticket. He could have just given me a warning. However a warning probably wouldn't have convicted me enough to start wearing it regularly. From that moment on I wore it all the time... like you're supposed to. So when I was rear-ended last year and my car looked like an accordian?... I knew I was lucky to be alive. I knew that that cop saved my life when he wrote me that ticket months prior.
I knew in that moment God had a plan for me. I don't think it ever really sunk in that God had a plan for my life, that there are things he wants to see me do, places he wants me to go, and people I'm supposed to meet. At this point, I have no freaking idea what God's plan for me is, but I'm so lucky to have the opportunity see it unfold before me. Sometimes I wish he'd hurry up parts of it, but his timing is perfect... not a second sooner, and not a second later... So I wait... and I pray... that his will be done, and not mine... I don't possess patience... like not an ounce.. I'm the typical --city girl-gotta get it done 10 min ago- fast paced life- I don't care if you just started at starbucks give me my coffee NOW-- kinda person... but I'm learning to wait with a prayerful heart and a positive attitude. Learning being the KEY word...

Will you be my neighbour??

Everyone has some sort of an issue with where they live... may it be noisy neighbours... grass that refuses to turn green... that cupboard door that refuses to close... or unhelpful landlords... I have been plagued by annoying neighbours...

I live in the basement apt of a triplex and my both my neighbours that live above me annoy me to great ends.... the teenagers blare their music... one of the families runs an illegal daycare.... they leave toys all over the yard and halls... but the thing that annoys me the MOST is when they leave the front door open. The front door to our building just has a regular lock on it... no buzz codes... so you can just walk in unless one of us has locked it. You are supposed to lock it at night... no not supposed to... you HAVE to lock it at night... but often when I come home from work it's not locked... however last night (and a few nights spattered over the past few weeks) the door was not only unlocked but PROPPED open... this made me MAD as a hornet not just because now there were dozens of disgusting June bugs that had made their way in but b/c when you go down to the basement you turn a corner to my apt... and there's another door to the laundry room which is kept closed... so as my landlord put it when I talked to him this morning "someone could have walked in, hid in the laundry room with the lights off and waited for you to come home so he could chop your head off".... ya thx for that comforting thought...
Either way, I had reached my breaking point this morning. I was going to call and give him a piece of my mind.... until I ran into him today.... to which I heard the following news:

HE'S ASKED THEM TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mind you I'm a bit scared of who will move in, but I'm SOOOOO glad their leaving. The one family has been asked to leave and the other has ONE mth to get their crap together and start acting appropriately or their gone too... I'm really excited... SOOOOOOO apparently since I'm the "quiet one" (CLEARLY he doesn't know me) He's asked if I know of anyone who wants to move in... so if your looking for a place... let me know.... 3 bedroom apt with balcony... $800... if I didn't think having 3 bedrooms to myself was being a bit selfish I'd move up there myself.

He's also rigging the front door so that it automatically swings closed behind you so you can't leave it open anymore... :).... I don't always like the decisions he makes and get a bit annoyed, but I think those are 2 pretty good pieces of news for today
:)

Still kicking...

I just turned 27 a couple days ago. Generally I think that's a good age... old enough that people finally respect my opinion as an adult, instead of still being a kid... but young enough to still do whatever I want with life. I'm not at all where I thought I'd be. I wanted to be a teacher from the age of 3 to 20 so I figured I'd be married with a couple kids by now and teaching kindergarten... if you know me nothing about that sentence is true. I'm still single... no kids... not a teacher... don't even have my bachelors yet...
however
I do have a fantastic job I love.... an apartment I adore... friends that I wouldn't trade for the world... a family that 'gets' me... an adoptive family that accepted me no questions asked... and even passed my very last class this semester for my bachelors that I was 110% sure I had failed (God is GOOD)

This wasn't my plan for my life... but it was Gods... and believe it or not... i can't imagine my life any other way right now. I'm happy where I'm at... I had a lot of growing up to do in the past few years... and I'm finally at a place in my life where I stop wondering 'what if' and 'when is it my turn' but instead being thankful for what I do have and the uncountable amount of blessings I have...

I have some pretty big plans for this year... a small handful of people know some of what that entales... most people do not... one of the things is being in one of my dearest friends wedding next spring. She has been such a blessing in my life since I met her and I can't wait to celebrate her wedding with her and her fiance!
The rest of the big plans I'll share closer to when they're going to happen, but above any plans I have for this coming year... I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me this year... and I know it's going to be fantastic... if we trust him... his plans for us are ALWAYS fantastic... sometimes it's just the getting there and the patience waiting that's hard.... but he always has a plan... and for that I'm thankful, cause most days I don't have any clue what I'm doing :)